1 00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:08,007 [mellow hip-hop music] 2 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,675 Yo, I'ma need this shit when I get signed to... 3 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,093 ♪ Def Jam! ♪ 4 00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,638 DENNIS: See, Elektra really believes in Dirty. 5 00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:16,015 Everything that Def Jam wouldn't give Dirty 6 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,976 on the backend, Elektra will, and much more. 7 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,353 Take the Elektra deal. 8 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,439 It's all I ever wanted to be was on Def Jam. 9 00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:24,774 If you want to be treated differently, 10 00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:26,150 you need to grow up. 11 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,735 Yo, Bobby, we had to turn in that album, 12 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,111 like, two months ago. 13 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,363 Yo, how can I even focus on tracks 14 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,615 if he won't even talk to me, you know? 15 00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:34,367 I'm sorry for signing you to Elektra 16 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,701 before talking to you about it. 17 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,745 You can't be treating me like no kid no more, son. 18 00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,413 And you can't be out here fucking around 19 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,082 when we got work to do. 20 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,334 I'm ready to work now. 21 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,174 [mellow beat playing] 22 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:56,138 ♪ ♪ 23 00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:57,390 [music stops] 24 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,767 RZA: All right, man. This song right here? 25 00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:01,394 I've been saving this one, a'ight? 26 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:04,438 [mellow hip-hop piano music plays] 27 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:08,442 ♪ ♪ 28 00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:09,986 [music stops] 29 00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:13,656 Yo. It's been two fucking days. 30 00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:16,534 Pick a fucking beat already, cuz. 31 00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,077 You ain't even fucking helped on the mike yet. 32 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,996 You just sitting there smoking, nodding, 33 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:22,331 and waving off my beats and shit. 34 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:26,252 Hey, Elektra ain't accepting no delays, you hear me? 35 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,837 [tense music] 36 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:30,589 They gonna hold money from us that they owe, 37 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,925 and they gonna sue us for money we don't have. 38 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,052 You gotta start laying down tracks, nigga. 39 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:37,054 Figure this shit out. 40 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,765 Your first album, it's your whole life explained. 41 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,519 [groaning] 42 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,941 [laughs] 43 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,026 Yo, son. 44 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,527 Remember we used to do that shit? 45 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,112 See how long we could last. 46 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,489 Yeah, yo. That shit's still funny, nigga, 47 00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,907 but it ain't helping us right now. 48 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,492 - You hear what I'm saying? - [sighs] 49 00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:01,871 You gonna do that shit on your album for an hour? 50 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,372 Down low. 51 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,333 We just listened to that shit. 52 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,169 No. We heard it. We didn't experience this. 53 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,796 We gotta get this album done, a'ight? 54 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:11,839 This ain't something that's just 55 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,466 gonna come out of nowhere. 56 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,302 If I do that, it ain't gonna go nowhere, yo. 57 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:20,765 Like you said, this album is my whole life explained. 58 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:24,435 I been listening to this shit since I was five years old, yo. 59 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:28,647 I'm not the poster boy Method is or the wordsmith Genius is. 60 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:31,734 Yo, I'm me. Ain't no father to my style. 61 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,320 Yo, when a album got a sound like that, 62 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:39,158 it gotta be on some unpredictable, grimy... 63 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,786 Yo, dirt dog, grimy shit, yo. 64 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:47,041 Yo, we gotta hop into our creative chamber, Abbott. 65 00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:50,336 We gotta... we gotta do shit we used to do when we was kids. 66 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:53,547 - RZA: Hmm. - We wasn't afraid to laugh, 67 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:57,218 but still bust a nigga's ass. [Blowfly's "All You Hos"] 68 00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:58,886 Hey! 69 00:02:58,887 --> 00:02:59,970 RZA: [laughs] Oh, shit. 70 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:01,597 Like some punch card shit, nigga? 71 00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,724 DIRT: Fingers crossed. RZA: Fingers crossed, a'ight? 72 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,226 A'ight. 73 00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:07,395 BOTH: [singing along] ♪ And all you and your hos ♪ 74 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:08,854 [laughs] 75 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,065 ♪ You keep lives full of soul ♪ 76 00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:13,776 Hey, yo, this album gotta be my essence, son. 77 00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:16,070 Uncensored. Unfiltered. 78 00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:20,783 I want you to laugh, cry, and punch a nigga in the face. 79 00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:23,285 The album is an experience, 80 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,496 and you're the audience to my show, 81 00:03:25,497 --> 00:03:27,540 and I'm onstage, at that show, 82 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:31,585 'cause you need me to lift your spirits and touch your soul! 83 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:33,212 Oh! [laughs] 84 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,922 Yeah, thank you very much. Thank you very much. 85 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,383 My name is Dirt McGirt, ladies and gentlemen, 86 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:40,553 and, uh, the next bit I'd like to do is called 87 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,763 Taurus and the goddamn Bulls. 88 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,098 Hey, you know what I'm talking about? 89 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,684 Yeah. Since Tauruses are so stubborn, 90 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,727 I imagine they think a tune sound like this. 91 00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,147 Yeah, yeah. 92 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:54,483 ♪ The first time you suck my dick ♪ 93 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:55,860 [audience gasps, murmurs] DIRT MCGIRT: ♪ And the ♪ 94 00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:58,571 ♪ First time I shot off in your mouth ♪ 95 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:03,451 ♪ Something shot out of me real fast ♪ 96 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:07,079 [funky music] 97 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,122 Ooh! 98 00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:10,541 I be available for weddings, 99 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,543 bar mitzvahs, and funerals, ladies and gentlemen. 100 00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:15,045 Disgusting! We're leaving. [laughter] 101 00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:16,672 DIRT MCGIRT: That sister right there 102 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:18,215 is the kind of prude-ass girl 103 00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:20,384 that won't even let a man go up her dress! 104 00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:22,220 [laughter] [switch clicks] 105 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,389 Hey, motherfucker! DIRT MCGIRT: Oh... 106 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,640 Hey! 107 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,602 Folks, they want me to turn my noise down. 108 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,228 Hey! DIRT MCGIRT: First, let me 109 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:33,105 ask y'all a question. 110 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,191 What's worse than gettin' gonorrhea? 111 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,650 [feedback whine] Sister? 112 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:39,779 Lady? Sir? 113 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:43,240 Getting that motherfucker twice, am I right? 114 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,951 Oh, baby, I should stop meeting chicks at the free clinic. 115 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,745 I don't know. What y'all think? 116 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:51,248 [overlapping chatter] I can't help it. 117 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,542 AIRTIGHT MIKE: I don't care about none-a that shit! 118 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:57,379 Look, you can't be out here scaring off big-time money. 119 00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,881 ANNOUNCER: bring out our next comic. 120 00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:01,133 Mm. 121 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,845 Why can't you be like Shaquan Smith? 122 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:09,308 Shaquan has supreme clientele that brought in bookoo bucks. 123 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,436 Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. 124 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,438 Now look at him, nigga. 125 00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,690 An international superstar. 126 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,150 Yeah. Yeah, right. 127 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,986 Right next to my hotel, there's a corner store. 128 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:22,530 Some guys buy beer. 129 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,948 Some kids buy junk food. 130 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,950 - Right there... - Nigga! 131 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,202 What the fuck does that have to do with what we talking about? 132 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,329 Not a goddamn thing, man! 133 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,082 Look, I ain't got a goddamn thing to do with Shaquan Smith. 134 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,125 Look, 135 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:38,337 you see how, uh, I'm turning into a broken record? 136 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,713 Thank you, baby. 137 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:43,551 Look, man, the back seaters love my Black ass. 138 00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:47,638 Yeah, but the back seaters buy cheap ripple. 139 00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:50,140 I'm trying to run a business here, baby. 140 00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:52,226 DIRT: You're not listening to me, man! 141 00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:56,522 See, you want me to be a international superstar 142 00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,691 when I'm already the biggest star in the galaxy. 143 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,402 Come on now, baby. This McGirt. 144 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,487 If that's true then, 145 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:06,782 why am I the only club that still books you? 146 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:11,328 See, ever since you bought this whole establishment, 147 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,956 you done turned into straight management. 148 00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:15,541 You used to be a comic. 149 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,209 'Member when we toured together? 150 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,254 Broke all the rules together? 151 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,548 What happened to you, brother? 152 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,801 You used to trust the art. 153 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:29,638 Brother, trust goes both ways. 154 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,141 Now, if your motherfucking ass wasn't out here 155 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:35,561 trying to be a motherfucking pervert's dream act, 156 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,813 you'd be bigger than Shaquan. 157 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:41,317 Come on, man. I'll play nice. 158 00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:44,612 Look, can a brother get paid, man? 159 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,530 Damn. AIRTIGHT MIKE: Look, player. 160 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,116 All I'm saying is 161 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:54,079 you gotta be a version of yourself that ain't you. 162 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,791 Now, what the fuck is that even 'posed to mean, man? 163 00:06:57,792 --> 00:07:01,295 H-h-how I'm gonna be somebody other than myself, man? 164 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:04,381 Clean up your act, or get out. 165 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,092 ♪ ♪ 166 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,927 My man main Daddy Cool! 167 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,054 DADDY COOL: Whoo hoo hoo! 168 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,680 DIRT: Hey. 169 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,724 Gimme that. [register dings] 170 00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:16,185 [both whooping] 171 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:17,728 How's it hanging, brother? 172 00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:19,188 Hey, life is living, and living is life, my brother. 173 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,106 - DIRT: All right now. - Hey, I heard the laughter 174 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,858 and saw the tight asses running out the club. 175 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,360 You keep doing your thing, now, Dirt. 176 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,736 I appreciate that, brother. 177 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:26,945 - DADDY: No problem, brother. - Hey. 178 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,530 Hey, matter of fact, 179 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,032 I'ma bring my old lady to come see you next time. 180 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,325 - The foxy one? - The foxy one. 181 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,327 DIRT: Bring her through! Bring it through, baby! 182 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,204 [laughs] Hey, I gots to go. I gotta go write 183 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:37,206 a whole new set for tomorrow night, you dig? 184 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,374 Hey, hey, hey, Jack. Come here. Come here. 185 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:39,417 Come here. Come here. 186 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,044 DIRT: Hey, man. 187 00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:46,298 Don't put the powder before your word power. 188 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,093 You understand? We need brothers like you. 189 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,594 Can you dig it? 190 00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,513 DIRT: Yeah, man, but dig this. 191 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:56,183 A man like me gots to live in the moment, baby. 192 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,643 All right, now. I'll catch you later, man. 193 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,353 Be cool, all right? DADDY: All right, brother. 194 00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:00,980 - Till next time. - Till next time. 195 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,818 [dreamy hip-hop music] 196 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,821 [Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Brooklyn Zoo"] 197 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,114 Knock, knock. 198 00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,365 Skrrt, skrrt! [laughs] 199 00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,908 PERSON: Hey, baby. DIRT: Hey, hey... 200 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,785 PERSON: Come on! Come on, baby. 201 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,662 - I'll take care-a you. - [chortling] 202 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,580 PERSON: You know I got the goody-good. 203 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:21,458 Hey, hey. What did the preacher say to the strippers? 204 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,085 Fuck you! [laughs] 205 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:26,004 SAILOR: [laughing] You one funny motherfucker! 206 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,881 [laughter echoes] 207 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,341 Hey, hey, hey, man! 208 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,802 I don't give a damn about no Uncle Sam. 209 00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,929 [laughter] 210 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,764 [grunting, groaning] 211 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:39,059 [keys jangling] 212 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,646 [subway train horn blasts] 213 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,817 [fast-forward high-pitched sound] 214 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:49,863 [high-pitched chattering voice] 215 00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,239 [high-pitched voice] 216 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,243 [funky music] 217 00:08:56,244 --> 00:09:00,247 ♪ ♪ 218 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:01,498 [bang, clattering] 219 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,083 Hey, get the fuck... hey, man... 220 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,209 Sit your ass down, man. 221 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,754 Shit, why... damn! 222 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,840 Hey, man. Listen, man. I'm sorry about, uh... 223 00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,550 I'm sorry if that was your car I stole, man. 224 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,761 If you don't shut the fuck up, I swear to God... 225 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,262 - LINDA: No. - I'ma slap the shit outta you. 226 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,347 He needs those lips. 227 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,141 Do you know who I am, sugar? 228 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,476 Yeah, um, 229 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:22,686 you the lady who had these goons kick down my door. 230 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,188 - [laughs] - Mm-hmm. 231 00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,939 I'm a lot more than that, funnyman. 232 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,941 I'm Lady Marlboro, and you'd know that, 233 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:31,320 if your vice was numbers and not... 234 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,947 But today, I'm here because I'm opening a club. 235 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,075 The Ladies Room. You like the name? 236 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,118 Yeah. I like ladies, yeah. 237 00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,453 [chuckles] 238 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:42,164 Music and comedy. 239 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,249 And I need me a headliner. 240 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:48,045 And I hear you're none too happy with Mr. Airtight Mike. 241 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,047 - I'm not following. - Get the fuck out... 242 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,632 DIRT: [yelps] 243 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:52,883 Nigga! 244 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,384 The gracious lady wants you 245 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:55,844 to sling your jokes for her. 246 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,221 And she gonna pay you a whole lot more 247 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,264 than they pay you at the Kit Club, motherfucker. 248 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:02,518 I'll pay you 2,000, up front, to jump ship. 249 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,020 And I can be myself? Say whatever I want? 250 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,648 As long as you pack the house. 251 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:13,529 Nah, man. 252 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,614 I can't do that to Airtight Mike. 253 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,658 He the one gave me my start. 254 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,284 Reconsider. 255 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,620 [tense music] 256 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,373 Do it already, man. 257 00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:26,376 You willing to die for this? 258 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:30,129 Man, lady. [sighs] 259 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,382 I got a lot to explain to God. 260 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:35,175 Backstabbing just ain't one of 'em. 261 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:36,718 It's not. LINDA: Hmm. 262 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,763 Normally, I'd have Grits and Gravy pummel you to dust, 263 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:44,393 but I respect a man who doesn't compromise his principle. 264 00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:47,729 And do try to reconsider. 265 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:54,737 ♪ ♪ 266 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,992 [Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Goin' Down"] 267 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:05,622 SINGER: ♪ Ah ♪ 268 00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:08,584 [indistinct chatter] 269 00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:13,589 ♪ ♪ 270 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,425 DIRTY: ♪ My advantage on the M-I-C is the slang ♪ 271 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,802 ♪ That I manifest so you could never hang ♪ 272 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:21,054 ♪ Obviously you know my name by now ♪ 273 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,765 ♪ I done thrown stupid parties all through your town ♪ 274 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,393 ♪ Dirt McGirt, that's my motherfucking name ♪ 275 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,187 ♪ Love to flirt, that's my motherfucking game ♪ 276 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,315 ♪ They said "You want to be MC... ♪ 277 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,443 [distant cheers and applause] 278 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,737 Wait, wait. I didn't get to the joke yet. 279 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:39,072 There are rules when you start dating a guy in a wheelchair. 280 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,949 It's just things you just can't say to me. 281 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:44,453 You can't walk me through a step-by-step process. 282 00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,038 [laughter] 283 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:50,292 You feel awkward if you ask me about my "stand-up"? 284 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:53,211 Or did I get a standing ovation? 285 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,797 And where do I stand with politics? 286 00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,966 There was a crime that happened the other day, 287 00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,217 and the cops didn't believe me 288 00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,678 when I said I was just a innocent bystander. 289 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:05,474 [laughter] 290 00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:09,895 Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce our next comedian. 291 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:13,357 By his name, you'll know he'll struggle to clean it up. 292 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,859 Dirt McGirt, y'all! 293 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:19,489 [cheers and applause] 294 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:24,661 DIRT: [groaning] 295 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:35,087 [drawn-out groan continues] 296 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,590 [applause] 297 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,218 Whew. [sniffs] 298 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,846 How y'all doin' tonight? Mm. 299 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,515 I wanna tell you guys about myself. 300 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:49,977 I'm not from here. I'm from Philadelphia. 301 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,311 Typical Philly family. 302 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,856 Ten of us in a two-bedroom apartment, 303 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:58,026 or should I mention that ten of us lived in one bedroom. 304 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:01,488 The other half of my family lived in the other bedroom. 305 00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:04,074 All 12 of them. [soft laughter] 306 00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,868 Very typical family. Very typical. 307 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:11,123 Just kids. No mother. No father. 308 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,500 We was bastards on both sides. 309 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,627 Double bastards. [scattered laughter] 310 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:19,715 We even shared clothes at the same time. 311 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,010 Two kids an outfit. 312 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:26,346 My sister would pick out the perfect dress for us. 313 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:29,975 [laughs] 314 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,978 [tense music] 315 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:37,190 ♪ ♪ 316 00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,693 I'm sorry, Mike. 317 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:43,989 Here's to my first time I ever wore a condom, god damn it. 318 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,323 [laughs] 319 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:49,036 See, I prefer it raw. I prefer it raw. 320 00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:52,956 Some people are Mormon. I am a Raw-mon. 321 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,708 [laughter] 322 00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,960 The first time I even wore a condom, 323 00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,296 it wasn't even a condom, god damn it. 324 00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:01,757 It was, uh, sandwich plastic bag wrap 325 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:05,511 that I had to just wrap around that motherfucker. 326 00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:10,557 Care for me to demonstrate, ladies? No gentlemen. 327 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,976 GUEST: Yeah! GUEST: Whoo! 328 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:16,522 [audience whoops, claps] 329 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:22,319 - [un-zipping sound] - [audience whooping] 330 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,738 [gasps, commotion] 331 00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,282 Shit! 332 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,745 - [laughter] - WOMAN: Look at that thing! 333 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:35,415 DIRT: Dirt McDirt! 334 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:38,126 [wrap it up bell dings] 335 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:39,836 Ladies! 336 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:41,713 You ain't never seen nothin' like this? 337 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,715 And don't you bring your motherfucking ass 338 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,801 back around here again, motherfucker. 339 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,719 Yeah, go on and get. 340 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,971 [laughs] Welcome, welcome. 341 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:51,515 Welcome back, player. 342 00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:52,849 Thank you, player. Come on in. 343 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:54,351 We got something nice for your lady. 344 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,228 Yep. After you. After you. 345 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:59,272 Ha ha. All right, all right. 346 00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:02,819 ♪ ♪ 347 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:10,408 [mellow funk] 348 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,619 ♪ ♪ 349 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,663 [snorts] 350 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,707 Oh, man. 351 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,585 Come on, man. 352 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:23,798 Hey. Hey. It's me, man. 353 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,050 All right, man. 354 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:38,603 Do you know the most important commodity is time? 355 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:43,400 It's the only thing you spend you can't get back. 356 00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:45,193 Nigga, do you hear me? 357 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:48,321 [gurgling] 358 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:51,324 [tense music] 359 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:54,744 ♪ ♪ 360 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,121 [gasps] 361 00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:59,124 I'm not a woman who repeats herself, 362 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,543 because it wastes my time! 363 00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:05,255 Don't you ever mix that rock-and-roll shit 364 00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,007 with my soul music again. 365 00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:08,633 Do you hear? 366 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,677 I promise. [coughing] 367 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,637 LINDA: All right. Come on. 368 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:18,810 Ah, you look like a man who's reconsidered my generous offer. 369 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:22,522 Um... I have conditions. 370 00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,107 I set conditions. 371 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,735 Uh... 372 00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,988 I don't want you at my club anymore 373 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,657 if you're going butt-ball naked at my fine establishment. 374 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,618 Oh, yeah. I heard what you did. 375 00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,620 But you said I could say whatever I want. 376 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,662 I said you could say whatever you want, 377 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,539 as long as you packed the house. 378 00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:42,083 Based on everyone that left the club that night, 379 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,502 I don't have high hopes of that happening at my joint. 380 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,088 I realize that your kind of funny 381 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,840 is for the privacy of perverts, 382 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,508 so instead of headlining my club, 383 00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:52,344 you're going to record an album for me. 384 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,679 And they can hear your filthy vinyl records 385 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,514 at their drugged-out parties. 386 00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,726 Now, to love Dirt is to see Dirt. 387 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,311 See, I gotta be in the room, 388 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:04,356 so I can uplift they souls and spirits, you dig? 389 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,149 Nigga, if you don't watch your mouth 390 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,817 in front of the lady, I swear to God, I will... 391 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,819 Easy, Grits. 392 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:13,531 Now, if you take my money, you owe me time. 393 00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:17,744 [ominous music] 394 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:22,666 ♪ ♪ 395 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:26,503 Am I going to have to repeat myself about this, sugar? 396 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:28,713 No, no. No, no. 397 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:29,882 No. 398 00:17:30,841 --> 00:17:35,053 Ooh, yo, Soul Train starts in ten minutes, Lady Marlboro. 399 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,304 Thanks, hon. [chuckles] 400 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,182 Ooh, I love that host. 401 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,017 Whew, shit. In another life. 402 00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:45,563 I could see myself bouncing his balls all around my bedroom. 403 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:46,731 [chuckles] 404 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:50,193 In a holy matrimony-type way. 405 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,320 [laughs] 406 00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,114 Oh. Now, McGirt. 407 00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:56,199 You gonna run your ass down to my recording studio, 408 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,869 and after that boy Syl finish cutting his song, 409 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,871 you gonna cut me a comedy record, 410 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,874 or I'm gonna cut your lifeline short. 411 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,835 [dark music] 412 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:09,796 [chuckles] 413 00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:11,589 Whoo! 414 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,634 [funky rock music] 415 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:15,927 ♪ ♪ 416 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,679 OWNER: Hey, that's my stuff! 417 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,681 Get back here! Crazy kids! 418 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:23,268 DIRT: Listen, dog, I wanna get so high, I get sober, baby. 419 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,352 You know what I'm talking about? 420 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:25,603 Lay it on me, Daddy. 421 00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,273 Hey, mirrors still work, brother... use one. 422 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,317 That's what I'm trying to do, man. 423 00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,110 No, nigga, you're not listening. 424 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,778 Look at your face in the mirror. 425 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,739 Not you, too, on this righteous kick shit, man. 426 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,073 Hey, I ain't selling you blow no more. 427 00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,325 You're wasting your talent. 428 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,951 Would you do me like that, man? 429 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,495 I ain't got no choice. 430 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,664 Fuck you then, man! 431 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:46,666 Keep your shit. 432 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:48,335 ♪ ♪ 433 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,420 Now, being though I'm givin' you $200, 434 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:52,797 the same amount that I just tried to give him, 435 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,466 and he don't know you... 436 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,092 I'ma need you to show a little more titty meat 437 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,469 to distract him, you know what I'm talking about? 438 00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,055 'Cause I'ma need a 50 on the side for tit work. 439 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,514 You'd do me like that? 440 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,099 Sorry, baby, but damn. 441 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:06,227 Nixon in office is making times harder than a convict's dick. 442 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:09,189 I'ma do you good right after, anyway. 443 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:12,609 Now, you drive a hard bargain don't you? 444 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:15,653 Come here. Take that. 445 00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:17,698 Now get that booger sugar, honey. 446 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:20,868 DIRT: Shit. 447 00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,499 Lord, have mercy. 448 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,751 Is that Priscilla? 449 00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:33,380 Juanita? Cindy? 450 00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:36,216 Peaches? How you doing, Peaches? 451 00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,134 Now, you know your name Peaches, sister. 452 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,512 Come on, now! 453 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,348 Shit, that was my way of putting a smile on your face. 454 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,558 Can I ask you a deeply personal question? 455 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:46,893 Come walk with me real quick, baby. 456 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:49,437 NIA: Can you start with your name? 457 00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:51,314 I'm Dirt McGirt. 458 00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:53,483 No. Seriously. 459 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:55,443 What's your name? 460 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:58,530 Look, seeing as that we destined to have kids 461 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,198 and get married and all that, 462 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,993 I wanted to know what side of the bed you like sleepin' on... 463 00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:06,204 The left or the right side, baby? 464 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,748 I have known you for all of three seconds. 465 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:10,125 Slow down, mister. 466 00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:14,337 Well, I mean, slow down to the first date? 467 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:18,091 Shit, I'm glad you suggest it. I accept it. 468 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:21,469 That's not what I meant, but okay. 469 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,804 Dirt! 470 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,807 [quirky funky music] 471 00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:29,477 Who's that? 472 00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:32,522 [sirens wailing] 473 00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:34,315 SINGER: Now hold on, baby. 474 00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:36,776 [sultry blues music] 475 00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,403 My friend Cinnamon was just wondering 476 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:41,072 if she could come over for a while. 477 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,407 Ha ha ha ha. 478 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,951 SINGER: Now, I know you don't like sharin'. 479 00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:47,078 [cackles] 480 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,873 SINGER: But it's all equal over here, baby. 481 00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:52,083 ♪ ♪ 482 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:55,462 'Cause sharin' is carin'. 483 00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:57,881 [Dirt laughing, moaning] 484 00:20:57,882 --> 00:21:01,301 [both moaning] 485 00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:05,138 All right, now it's time for the scramble board once again. 486 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:09,476 Let's see what this beautiful couple has in store for us. 487 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:12,187 Say it loud. Black and proud. 488 00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:15,732 - Say it with soul. - [funky music playing on TV] 489 00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:17,984 Oh, shit. 490 00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:20,361 I told my job I went to get cigarettes. 491 00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:24,199 Mr. Parker's gonna fire me for sure. Fuck. 492 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,326 Soda and cereal, all day. 493 00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:28,661 They've been on a real food kick lately. 494 00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:31,039 Got everybody buying junk food. 495 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,500 Don Cornelius is a man you can trust. 496 00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:36,961 Fuck it. I'ma get my job back. 497 00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:38,713 SINGER: ♪ Things they never could ♪ 498 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,175 ♪ I like it, I like it... ♪ 499 00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:45,136 Say, don't you have an album to record, baby? 500 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,472 [snorts, groans] 501 00:21:47,473 --> 00:21:50,892 I ain't doing shit for that bitch. 502 00:21:50,893 --> 00:21:53,186 Ain't you gonna get in trouble? 503 00:21:53,187 --> 00:21:54,896 ♪ ♪ 504 00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:58,358 [smooching] 505 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:01,152 I been in trouble before. 506 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:03,821 - [moans] - It's the principle. 507 00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:08,201 She don't get to decide if I'm onstage or not. 508 00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:09,536 [scoffs] 509 00:22:09,537 --> 00:22:11,538 Ain't this like "end up dead" trouble? 510 00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:13,748 SINGER: ♪ You got enough power in your touch... ♪ 511 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:16,376 First, it was Mike. 512 00:22:16,377 --> 00:22:19,796 Then Daddy Cool. [scoffs] 513 00:22:19,797 --> 00:22:23,132 Every-fucking-body thinking they can see me. 514 00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,969 [laughs] Please. 515 00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:28,638 You know what? Fuck it. 516 00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:30,557 If I get fired, I get fired. 517 00:22:30,558 --> 00:22:32,517 I don't know what the fuck to tell these people. 518 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:37,564 And why should you? You are who you are. 519 00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:39,899 Don't be a robot to this jackass system. 520 00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:42,694 [laughs] I like how that sounds. 521 00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:45,655 [chuckles] God don't make no mistakes. 522 00:22:45,656 --> 00:22:47,282 Shit, I've been who I was 523 00:22:47,283 --> 00:22:50,368 since my mama squirted me out her hips. 524 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:53,204 These Banana Smacks good as a motherfucker, Mama! 525 00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:54,873 Put some more milk in this bitch. 526 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,791 [audience laughs] 527 00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:59,961 One day, the world drop a ton of rules on your head. 528 00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:03,423 "Don't say that. Can't do this. 529 00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:06,259 "Oh, no, that's wrong. 530 00:23:06,260 --> 00:23:09,095 Act right." [scoffs] 531 00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:14,350 Shit, if I can learn to see the world how they see it, 532 00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:18,229 they should see it how I see it too. 533 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:20,690 We are who we believe we are. 534 00:23:20,691 --> 00:23:23,777 - [huffs] - I believe in you, baby. 535 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:27,196 You okay, baby? 536 00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:31,784 [soft dramatic music] 537 00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:35,496 I know some people laugh at me, 538 00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:38,374 not with me. 539 00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:40,920 Think I'm some sort of minstrel show. 540 00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:45,090 But those who know, know. 541 00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:51,054 They will never see no talent like this again. 542 00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:52,306 Ever. 543 00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:59,145 So fuck that bitch and her studio! 544 00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:01,814 SYL: ♪ I ain't going through no more changes ♪ 545 00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:04,651 ♪ To keep you, girl ♪ 546 00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:07,612 ♪ Make up your mind ♪ 547 00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:09,906 ♪ Stay or leave ♪ 548 00:24:09,907 --> 00:24:12,867 ♪ 'Cause any way the wind blows ♪ 549 00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:15,787 ♪ It's cool with me ♪ 550 00:24:15,788 --> 00:24:18,247 ♪ Any way the wind blows ♪ 551 00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:21,501 ♪ Oh, it's cool with me ♪ 552 00:24:21,502 --> 00:24:26,673 ♪ Any way the wind blows, it's cool with me ♪ 553 00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:28,634 [music stops] 554 00:24:33,347 --> 00:24:35,682 LINDA: Yeah. 555 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:40,895 Now. Play me my comedy nigga shit. 556 00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:43,064 He never showed up to his session. 557 00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:46,275 I-I waited, and I waited. I-I swear. 558 00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:49,153 [tense music] 559 00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:50,781 Go. 560 00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:55,368 For standing me up, 561 00:24:55,369 --> 00:24:58,913 I want you to make that sucka number one... 562 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:01,291 Minus one, that's zero. 563 00:25:02,459 --> 00:25:05,044 [KC and The Sunshine Band's "Boogie Shoes"] 564 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,713 DON CORNELIUS: All right, now. 565 00:25:06,714 --> 00:25:09,966 It's time for a little bit of Soul Train line dancing. 566 00:25:09,967 --> 00:25:11,801 SINGER: ♪ Come on, now ♪ 567 00:25:11,802 --> 00:25:14,429 ♪ Put it down now ♪ 568 00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:16,514 ♪ Sock it to me, huh ♪ 569 00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:17,640 Ooh! 570 00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:19,976 SINGER: ♪ Foxy lady ♪ 571 00:25:19,977 --> 00:25:22,311 ♪ Uh, she bad ♪ 572 00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:24,731 ♪ ♪ 573 00:25:24,732 --> 00:25:27,859 ♪ You'll come around ♪ 574 00:25:27,860 --> 00:25:29,361 ♪ Oh, you gone be mad ♪ 575 00:25:32,281 --> 00:25:37,035 [groaning] 576 00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:40,037 Damn, baby, them nipples hard as a motherfucker. 577 00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:41,831 Cocoa butter that up. 578 00:25:41,832 --> 00:25:44,041 [guns click] 579 00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:46,043 Oh, them ain't titties. 580 00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:47,670 [screams] Fuck! 581 00:25:47,671 --> 00:25:50,131 Shit. Hey. Hey, man. 582 00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:52,133 I ain't have your number. I was just about to call you. 583 00:25:52,134 --> 00:25:55,136 GRITS: Get the fuck up. Stand the fuck up! 584 00:25:55,137 --> 00:25:58,514 You know what, brother? I done left my jokes upstairs. 585 00:25:58,515 --> 00:25:59,766 Hey, let me go get 'em real quick. 586 00:25:59,767 --> 00:26:01,184 That's enough of all that bullshit! 587 00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:02,977 GRITS: Yo, this is one funny nigga, huh? 588 00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:05,772 GRAVY: Hey, he gonna be a funny dead nigga, in a second. 589 00:26:05,773 --> 00:26:07,940 Shit! Who do you think... 590 00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:09,567 - [whack] - Oh, damn it! 591 00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:11,569 All this fighting's gonna get one of us hurt, man. 592 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,279 GRAVY: Yo ass gonna get hurt! 593 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,447 SINGER: Uh! 594 00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:15,531 GRITS: Jiving motherfucker. 595 00:26:15,532 --> 00:26:17,284 - SINGER: Uh! - [tires screech] 596 00:26:17,910 --> 00:26:18,911 SINGER: Uh! 597 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:21,204 Uh! 598 00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:23,539 ♪ Baby, you laughing ♪ 599 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:26,167 DIRT: Hey. Hey, man. You fellas hungry? 600 00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:28,586 Let's go get some... Some pancakes. 601 00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:30,671 - Chicken and waffles? - Nigga, I will break my hand 602 00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:32,381 breaking your face, if you don't shut the fuck up! 603 00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:34,467 Shit, man. 604 00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:36,552 They ain't gonna have no chicken and waffles where I'm going. 605 00:26:36,553 --> 00:26:38,971 [laughs, snorts] 606 00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:40,556 Oh, co-come on, Gravy. 607 00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:42,141 This... this fool funny. 608 00:26:42,142 --> 00:26:44,268 You ever hear him playing at the Kitty Kat Club? 609 00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:45,728 He got a familiar face, 610 00:26:45,729 --> 00:26:48,773 but the cat I'm thinking of wouldn't be such a jive-ass. 611 00:26:48,774 --> 00:26:51,567 Do I remind you of somebody you'd let go? 612 00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:53,152 GRAVY: No! Motherfucker! 613 00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:54,403 - It's me, man. - Nigga! 614 00:26:54,404 --> 00:26:55,780 Ahh! Shit, man. 615 00:26:55,781 --> 00:26:57,406 If it was up to me, I'd blow your brains out 616 00:26:57,407 --> 00:26:58,950 all over the back of this Cadillac. 617 00:26:58,951 --> 00:27:01,661 Don't you know laughter good for the heart, mind, and soul? 618 00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:02,829 Ahh! Shit, man. 619 00:27:02,830 --> 00:27:04,330 GRAVY: Stop all this shit! 620 00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:05,915 GRITS: Since you about to die and all, 621 00:27:05,916 --> 00:27:08,668 how about you tell us a little bit of your last material? 622 00:27:08,669 --> 00:27:10,294 DIRT: Knock-knock. 623 00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:12,046 GRAVY: Who's there? Who's there? Who's there? 624 00:27:12,047 --> 00:27:13,714 - Not me, nigga! - What the... 625 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:15,591 SINGER: ♪ Baby, baby, come on, baby, come on ♪ 626 00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:17,343 SINGER: ♪ Baby, come on, baby come on ♪ 627 00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:19,387 DIRT: What the fuck? Anybody wanna... 628 00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:22,348 Oh, shit, motherfucker! DIRT: Right motherfuckin' now. 629 00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:24,767 - Watch out for the nuns! - [tires screech] 630 00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:26,018 Oh! 631 00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:28,437 GRAVY: you want us to go to hell, nigga? 632 00:27:28,438 --> 00:27:30,231 - [car horn honks] - Whaa... 633 00:27:30,232 --> 00:27:32,483 NUN: Holy shit! 634 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:33,734 DIRTY: ♪ You can never ignore ♪ 635 00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:35,778 ♪ Hip hop to me is like the place to be ♪ 636 00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:38,614 ♪ My specialty from me to you is MC ♪ 637 00:27:38,615 --> 00:27:41,158 ♪ Say what you wanna say, baby say ♪ 638 00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:43,578 ♪ I flip the microphone any day ♪ 639 00:27:43,579 --> 00:27:45,955 ♪ I'm mad swift 'cause I got that gift of gab ♪ 640 00:27:45,956 --> 00:27:47,456 ♪ Niggas get mad ♪ 641 00:27:47,457 --> 00:27:48,916 - ♪ Your ass never had ♪ - [nuns exclaiming] Oh, Jesus! 642 00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:50,668 ♪ This talent that I got will riz-zock... ♪ 643 00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:52,420 [clattering] 644 00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:54,255 DIRT: Hey. Hey. Hey, man. Say, man. 645 00:27:54,256 --> 00:27:56,465 Listen, whoever the fuck you are, 646 00:27:56,466 --> 00:28:00,177 I got $10,000 in a safety deposit box, 647 00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:01,470 and you can have that shit. 648 00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:03,307 Just let me go, man! 649 00:28:04,892 --> 00:28:06,684 What the fuck? 650 00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:09,020 [tense music] 651 00:28:09,021 --> 00:28:11,439 We've been watching you for some time now, Dirt. 652 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,400 What? White man. Who the hell are you, man? 653 00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:16,694 Never you worry about who I am, 654 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,572 just what I am offering. 655 00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:23,076 I have $5,000 for you. 656 00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:26,579 That should, uh, 657 00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:29,457 cover your little situation with Lady Marlboro. 658 00:28:29,458 --> 00:28:31,542 You The Man, ain't you? 659 00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:33,836 See, I knew The Man was looking for me. I knew it. 660 00:28:33,837 --> 00:28:36,547 That's right. I'm The Man. 661 00:28:36,548 --> 00:28:38,466 And I will have your ass thrown into a jail cell 662 00:28:38,467 --> 00:28:40,217 until you rot, Dirt. 663 00:28:40,218 --> 00:28:43,054 Tch. Man, only place I'm rottin' is the graveyard. 664 00:28:43,055 --> 00:28:45,557 Yeah? Well, we can arrange that too. 665 00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:49,143 Fuck is your problem, man? 666 00:28:49,144 --> 00:28:51,687 SHADY GUY: Now, do you watch, uh, Soul Train? 667 00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:54,690 You know, uh, do you know Don Cornelius? 668 00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:59,070 The, "love, peace, and soul." 669 00:28:59,071 --> 00:29:01,113 I might know some people. I don't know, man. 670 00:29:01,114 --> 00:29:02,281 SHADY GUY: Oh, you'll be going down 671 00:29:02,282 --> 00:29:04,116 to the taping of Soul Train 672 00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:07,411 with a backstage pass where you'll be posing as a dancer. 673 00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:09,622 You know how you people do. 674 00:29:09,623 --> 00:29:12,291 There, you will complete your mission. 675 00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:13,834 [scoffs] 676 00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:15,336 What mission are you talking about, sir? 677 00:29:15,337 --> 00:29:16,879 I think you got the wrong brother, man. 678 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,716 That... that ain't me. [laughs] 679 00:29:21,468 --> 00:29:24,011 You will kill 680 00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:26,138 Mr. Don Cornelius. 681 00:29:26,139 --> 00:29:28,684 ♪ ♪ 682 00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:34,021 DIRT: Let me get this straight. 683 00:29:34,022 --> 00:29:39,068 You want me to kill Don Cornelius, Black royalty? 684 00:29:39,069 --> 00:29:40,695 [laughs] 685 00:29:40,696 --> 00:29:41,988 Damn, man. 686 00:29:41,989 --> 00:29:43,739 You funny as hell, whitey. You big white man. 687 00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:47,744 You must be out your motherfucking mind, man! 688 00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:51,914 See, despite me sitting down, I am a stand-up, 689 00:29:51,915 --> 00:29:54,166 Asiatic Black man 690 00:29:54,167 --> 00:29:56,002 with his dick and balls 691 00:29:56,003 --> 00:29:59,672 and his word intact, god damn it! 692 00:29:59,673 --> 00:30:02,508 So you can shove that funky-ass assignment 693 00:30:02,509 --> 00:30:05,845 up yo narrow white ass! 694 00:30:05,846 --> 00:30:08,848 [funky percussive music] 695 00:30:08,849 --> 00:30:15,897 ♪ ♪ 696 00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:25,198 What the fuck? 697 00:30:28,326 --> 00:30:30,036 Far out, right? 698 00:30:30,037 --> 00:30:32,204 Whew, I need to get high for this, man. 699 00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:34,081 What the fuck is going on? 700 00:30:34,082 --> 00:30:36,083 We needed to make sure you weren't a sellout. 701 00:30:36,084 --> 00:30:39,211 - You passed the test. - Nigga, what test? 702 00:30:39,212 --> 00:30:40,588 I'm Leroy Roscoe, 703 00:30:40,589 --> 00:30:42,548 brother-in-arms for the Black-Eye-A. 704 00:30:42,549 --> 00:30:43,924 [chair creaks] 705 00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:47,053 Oh...[chuckles] yeah. I got you. 706 00:30:47,054 --> 00:30:49,764 Let's get you out of here, Dirt. 707 00:30:49,765 --> 00:30:51,433 [grunts] 708 00:30:53,185 --> 00:30:55,478 Black-Eye-A? 709 00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:57,354 You heard of CIA? 710 00:30:57,355 --> 00:30:59,690 Well, we're the Black-Eye-A, keeping a foot 711 00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,234 so far up The Man's ass, he burps shoe leather. 712 00:31:02,235 --> 00:31:03,903 Right on, brother. [chuckles] 713 00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:06,489 You see, Black culture is expanding. 714 00:31:06,490 --> 00:31:09,033 Music. Movies. Sports. 715 00:31:09,034 --> 00:31:10,618 And The Man? 716 00:31:10,619 --> 00:31:14,330 The Man fears our influence, so he waged an attack. 717 00:31:14,331 --> 00:31:16,332 Soul Train. 718 00:31:16,333 --> 00:31:18,000 You see, mighty whitey wants to kill us softly 719 00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:19,668 with this poisonous food. 720 00:31:19,669 --> 00:31:20,753 We've traced a spike 721 00:31:20,754 --> 00:31:22,379 in unhealthy living in our community 722 00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,090 back to the Soul Train scramble board. 723 00:31:24,091 --> 00:31:25,591 Now, bear with me. 724 00:31:25,592 --> 00:31:28,511 What I say next may be hard to believe. 725 00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:30,679 Brother, you just wiped a white man's face 726 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,973 off of your face. I mean, come on now. 727 00:31:32,974 --> 00:31:34,558 [chuckles] 728 00:31:34,559 --> 00:31:35,768 LEROY: [sighs] 729 00:31:35,769 --> 00:31:38,270 The CIA is behind it all. 730 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:41,315 They hijacked Soul Train by kidnapping Don Cornelius. 731 00:31:41,316 --> 00:31:42,983 - Come again? - It gets crazier, brother. 732 00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:45,778 You see, Don Cornelius is somewhere in a CIA safehouse 733 00:31:45,779 --> 00:31:47,905 while the Robot Cornelius has been hosting the show 734 00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:50,741 for the past year. The robot talks like Don. 735 00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:54,703 Looks like Don, down to his perfect afro, 736 00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:56,122 but he ain't Don. 737 00:31:56,123 --> 00:31:59,959 That's why we need you to kill Robot Cornelius. 738 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:01,962 Can you do that for us, brother? 739 00:32:03,672 --> 00:32:05,464 So you mean to tell me 740 00:32:05,465 --> 00:32:07,424 the only reason that Don Cornelius don't dance 741 00:32:07,425 --> 00:32:09,261 is because he's a goddamn robot? 742 00:32:12,013 --> 00:32:13,973 I'll do it. 743 00:32:13,974 --> 00:32:17,726 I'll blow that robot into metal motherfucking pieces, man. 744 00:32:17,727 --> 00:32:19,812 Now, outta all the brothers in New York City, 745 00:32:19,813 --> 00:32:24,191 I gotta ask, why you pick the Dirt Dog, man? 746 00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:27,529 'Cause we know Dirt McGirt would never compromise himself. 747 00:32:28,655 --> 00:32:30,364 Damn right. 748 00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:33,492 [Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Hippa to Da Hoppa"] 749 00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:36,245 ♪ Aw, shit, here I go once again ♪ 750 00:32:36,246 --> 00:32:38,914 ♪ Rhymes get shitty from the time that I spend ♪ 751 00:32:38,915 --> 00:32:41,250 ♪ I come old like toe fungus mold ♪ 752 00:32:41,251 --> 00:32:43,711 ♪ Ask my grand-pop pop duke gave my soul ♪ 753 00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:46,255 ♪ Then I came with that old Al Green shit ♪ 754 00:32:46,256 --> 00:32:48,883 ♪ Saaa-die, taught me the ballistic ♪ 755 00:32:48,884 --> 00:32:51,552 ♪ I get too blurry in your eye with a high note ♪ 756 00:32:51,553 --> 00:32:54,013 ♪ Down to the Brownsville, oops, you got smoked ♪ 757 00:32:54,014 --> 00:32:55,973 ♪ The shit I'm dropping is stinking up your area ♪ 758 00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:57,808 ♪ When I shoot it through... ♪ 759 00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:01,312 [Anita Ward's "Ring My Bell"] 760 00:33:01,313 --> 00:33:05,107 SINGER: ♪ I'm glad you're home ♪ 761 00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:08,861 ♪ Now did you really miss me ♪ 762 00:33:08,862 --> 00:33:12,990 ♪ I guess you did by the look in your eyes ♪ 763 00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:15,284 Dirt, meet Candy, 764 00:33:15,285 --> 00:33:17,953 our weapon specialist and all-around badass. 765 00:33:17,954 --> 00:33:19,747 I love me some candy. 766 00:33:19,748 --> 00:33:22,208 Yeah, I'll get this cat suited and booted 767 00:33:22,209 --> 00:33:24,335 to ice the Robot Cornelius. 768 00:33:24,336 --> 00:33:26,253 All right now. 769 00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:29,131 Guns. Rifles. Bazookas. Lay it on me, mama. 770 00:33:29,132 --> 00:33:30,716 CANDY: Nah, undercover brother. 771 00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:34,136 All that bang-bang, pow-pow is for the pigs. 772 00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:35,679 We move in silence. 773 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:37,723 SINGER: ♪ Ring my bell ♪ 774 00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:39,642 [boom] 775 00:33:39,643 --> 00:33:41,394 [laughs] 776 00:33:42,479 --> 00:33:46,398 CANDY: Now, this pinky ring is electronic with a pulse 777 00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:50,110 that will disable the CIA's control over the robot. 778 00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:53,072 You gonna wave it in front of Don's dead-eye stare, 779 00:33:53,073 --> 00:33:55,741 and that'll disable him for 20 seconds. 780 00:33:55,742 --> 00:33:58,327 SINGER: ♪ Bell, ring my bell ♪ 781 00:33:58,328 --> 00:34:00,664 ♪ Ring my bell ♪ 782 00:34:01,581 --> 00:34:03,832 Oh, this 'bout to get good, man. 783 00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:05,584 Pow! 784 00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:07,294 CANDY: Now, while the robot is disabled, 785 00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:09,505 you gonna peel back Don's afro. 786 00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:11,590 That'll expose his circuit board. 787 00:34:11,591 --> 00:34:14,009 Jam the pick prongs into the slots. 788 00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:15,719 I designed a code inside the fist 789 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:19,014 that will self-destruct that Fugazi Cornelius. 790 00:34:19,015 --> 00:34:21,850 Ooh, far out, sister. [laughs] 791 00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:23,686 Far out, man. 792 00:34:23,687 --> 00:34:26,188 [laughs] 793 00:34:26,189 --> 00:34:30,859 While I admire the compliment and the accuracy, 794 00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:32,194 I don't do prophylactics. 795 00:34:32,195 --> 00:34:34,071 I'm the type of guy that like it raw, 796 00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:35,781 you know what I'm talking about? 797 00:34:35,782 --> 00:34:39,243 If you find yourself in an impossible situation, 798 00:34:39,244 --> 00:34:40,661 this will get you out of there. 799 00:34:40,662 --> 00:34:41,954 DIRT: Mm. 800 00:34:41,955 --> 00:34:44,415 Well, uh, I don't know how I can do that. 801 00:34:44,416 --> 00:34:47,626 I've never tried it, and, uh, yeah. 802 00:34:47,627 --> 00:34:50,254 Ah, just open it up. You'll understand. 803 00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:52,381 All right, the taping is starting soon. 804 00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:53,882 It's time to finish the mission. 805 00:34:53,883 --> 00:34:58,721 Okay, now, CIA cats is gonna be all over that scene. 806 00:34:58,722 --> 00:35:00,639 You might not make it out alive. 807 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:02,141 You know that, right? 808 00:35:02,142 --> 00:35:04,643 The Dirt don't die, baby. 809 00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:06,645 You understand that, right? 810 00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:08,230 - [record scratches] - Mm. 811 00:35:08,231 --> 00:35:10,816 [sniffles, clears throat] 812 00:35:10,817 --> 00:35:13,819 [funky music] 813 00:35:13,820 --> 00:35:20,827 ♪ ♪ 814 00:35:24,706 --> 00:35:26,498 The dancers have just arrived 815 00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:28,960 and Don Cornelius is on the move. 816 00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:38,218 [cheers and applause] 817 00:35:38,219 --> 00:35:40,971 And here to help us check out some of their terrific tunes 818 00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:43,974 off their hot new debut album entitled, 819 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,310 Can It Be All So Simple, 820 00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:48,812 are two young men who've captured the hearts 821 00:35:48,813 --> 00:35:50,939 and minds of millions of music lovers. 822 00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:53,525 Please give a warm Soul Train welcome 823 00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:56,278 to the LittleJohn Brothers. 824 00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:57,946 [mellow funky music playing] 825 00:35:57,947 --> 00:35:59,865 BOTH: ♪ Hello, my love ♪ 826 00:35:59,866 --> 00:36:03,243 ♪ I heard a kiss from you ♪ 827 00:36:03,244 --> 00:36:08,749 ♪ Red magic satin playing near too ♪ 828 00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:11,168 ♪ All through the morning rain I gaze ♪ 829 00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:13,796 ♪ The sun doesn't shine ♪ 830 00:36:13,797 --> 00:36:19,093 ♪ Rainbows and waterfalls run through my mind ♪ 831 00:36:19,094 --> 00:36:24,014 ♪ A present from you, strawberry letter 22 ♪ 832 00:36:24,015 --> 00:36:29,478 ♪ The music plays, I sit in for a few ♪ 833 00:36:29,479 --> 00:36:32,147 ♪ ♪ 834 00:36:32,148 --> 00:36:35,693 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ 835 00:36:35,694 --> 00:36:37,319 ♪ ♪ 836 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:39,530 ♪ Ooh ♪ 837 00:36:39,531 --> 00:36:41,782 It's time for the Soul Train Word Scramble, 838 00:36:41,783 --> 00:36:44,326 and who do we have here today? 839 00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:45,494 Talani. 840 00:36:45,495 --> 00:36:47,538 DON CORNELIUS: And where are you from? 841 00:36:47,539 --> 00:36:49,790 Inglewood, California. 842 00:36:49,791 --> 00:36:51,041 You're familiar with how this works. 843 00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:54,962 You have 60 seconds to unscramble the board. 844 00:36:54,963 --> 00:37:01,970 ♪ ♪ 845 00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:10,478 [Robot Cornelius whirring] 846 00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:14,314 CIA AGENT: Someone changed the scramble board. 847 00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:15,941 We have an intruder. 848 00:37:15,942 --> 00:37:18,944 [tense music] 849 00:37:18,945 --> 00:37:25,952 ♪ ♪ 850 00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:38,297 DIRT: Robot Cornelius! 851 00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:40,632 [Robot Cornelius whirs] 852 00:37:40,633 --> 00:37:43,218 I'm calling you out, jive turkey. 853 00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:45,889 There's only one way in and one way out. 854 00:37:47,182 --> 00:37:48,891 Ah! 855 00:37:48,892 --> 00:37:51,185 - [grunts] - Whoo! 856 00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:53,188 Ah! 857 00:37:55,023 --> 00:37:56,231 - [clink, crunch] - [groans] 858 00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:57,776 Fuck it. Let's get it on! 859 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,330 - [clank] - Aah! 860 00:38:11,331 --> 00:38:14,583 [exciting music] 861 00:38:14,584 --> 00:38:16,293 ♪ ♪ 862 00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:18,588 [crunch] AGENT: Aah! 863 00:38:46,574 --> 00:38:49,410 [music end notes] 864 00:38:54,415 --> 00:38:56,250 You really thought you was gonna get away 865 00:38:56,251 --> 00:38:58,919 with using our music to fool the world's children, 866 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:00,754 you fake mother-less sucka? 867 00:39:00,755 --> 00:39:04,132 About as fake as your stand-up routine, 868 00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:06,552 so I guess we have something in common. 869 00:39:06,553 --> 00:39:08,929 It's a shame I have to kill you. 870 00:39:08,930 --> 00:39:10,639 DIRT: Get in line. 871 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:11,974 Matter of fact, 872 00:39:11,975 --> 00:39:15,018 get your Black robot ass in the back of the line. 873 00:39:15,019 --> 00:39:17,145 Ha-ha-ha. 874 00:39:17,146 --> 00:39:19,898 You got jokes. 875 00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:21,233 I don't like jokes. 876 00:39:21,234 --> 00:39:23,610 Well, I don't like phonies. 877 00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:25,404 - [screams] - Your Black-Eye-A ring 878 00:39:25,405 --> 00:39:26,989 won't work on me. 879 00:39:26,990 --> 00:39:27,990 DIRT: [grunts] 880 00:39:27,991 --> 00:39:30,994 [Robot Cornelius whirring] 881 00:39:40,420 --> 00:39:41,421 [groans] 882 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:50,387 Now who's the fake? 883 00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:52,556 [whirring] 884 00:39:52,557 --> 00:39:54,891 [ding] 885 00:39:54,892 --> 00:39:55,894 Got you, sucka. 886 00:39:59,731 --> 00:40:00,939 Now you get a complete view 887 00:40:00,940 --> 00:40:03,317 of how I whoop your featherweight ass. 888 00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:04,860 ROBOT CORNELIUS: Self-detonation activated. 889 00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:06,236 Shit is gonna blow. 890 00:40:06,237 --> 00:40:07,863 I better get to the rooftop! 891 00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:09,198 [countdown beep escalating] 892 00:40:12,368 --> 00:40:15,662 CANDY: If you find yourself in an impossible situation, 893 00:40:15,663 --> 00:40:16,913 this will get you out of there. 894 00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:19,917 [funky music] 895 00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:21,585 ♪ ♪ 896 00:40:21,586 --> 00:40:24,714 [condom whooshing] 897 00:40:26,049 --> 00:40:28,759 Oh, shit! 898 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,929 [funk/pop] 899 00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:38,728 ♪ ♪ 900 00:40:46,861 --> 00:40:49,446 [mellow music] 901 00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:52,199 The Black-Eye-A thanks you. 902 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,910 The Black Power movement thanks you, 903 00:40:54,911 --> 00:40:56,662 and I thank you, brother. 904 00:40:56,663 --> 00:41:00,123 [laughs] Ooh, baby, the Black-Eye-A don't play. 905 00:41:00,124 --> 00:41:01,416 Any moment now, 906 00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:03,418 the brothers'll be appearing with Mr. Cornelius. 907 00:41:03,419 --> 00:41:05,837 The actual Don Cornelius? 908 00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:07,506 While you were kung fu fighting, 909 00:41:07,507 --> 00:41:09,633 the CIA called for some reinforcements... 910 00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:11,885 - No. - And exposed their safehouse. 911 00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:13,428 - DIRT: No way. - That's right. 912 00:41:13,429 --> 00:41:15,263 We were able to rescue Mr. Cornelius. 913 00:41:15,264 --> 00:41:18,225 [funky music] 914 00:41:18,226 --> 00:41:23,188 ♪ ♪ 915 00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:25,732 Mr. Dirt McGirt. 916 00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:29,653 Ha, Mr. Don Cornelius! It's a pleasure, brother. 917 00:41:29,654 --> 00:41:31,363 The man had a plan 918 00:41:31,364 --> 00:41:33,699 to slow the train of our progress, 919 00:41:33,700 --> 00:41:35,909 to hijack soul, 920 00:41:35,910 --> 00:41:38,078 until you put an end to that bullshit. 921 00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:41,039 See, I knew he cursed when he wasn't on TV, man. 922 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,083 Talk yo shit, Don. 923 00:41:43,084 --> 00:41:45,419 I owe you one, Mr. McGirt. 924 00:41:45,420 --> 00:41:47,671 It's Dirt, man. You don't owe me shit. 925 00:41:47,672 --> 00:41:49,631 It was my pleasure. 926 00:41:49,632 --> 00:41:52,050 Well, then, let me leave you with this. 927 00:41:52,051 --> 00:41:55,762 I don't play ball, tell jokes, or sing. 928 00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,515 I stay true to myself and do my own thing. 929 00:41:58,516 --> 00:41:59,683 Dang. 930 00:41:59,684 --> 00:42:03,228 Being your own boss never gets old, 931 00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:07,149 as long as you do it with peace, love, and soul. 932 00:42:07,150 --> 00:42:09,317 - DIRT: And soul! - Now, if you don't mind, 933 00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:10,819 I'd like to go see my family. 934 00:42:10,820 --> 00:42:12,988 They must be terribly concerned about my wellbeing. 935 00:42:12,989 --> 00:42:14,406 You know what, Don? 936 00:42:14,407 --> 00:42:17,159 I-I just lied back there so I could come off well. 937 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,077 I need a big favor, Don. 938 00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,537 What is it? 939 00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:21,997 Could you, Don Cornelius, 940 00:42:21,998 --> 00:42:24,374 get me back onstage at the Kitty Kat Club? 941 00:42:24,375 --> 00:42:26,209 - Man, come on. - How would I do that? 942 00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:29,629 See, people always telling me how I can't just be me. 943 00:42:29,630 --> 00:42:31,548 I'm just our ancestors' dream. 944 00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:34,092 Shit, I know my comedy ain't for everybody, 945 00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:37,721 and you one of the most trusted Black men in America. 946 00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,556 Baby, you Don Cornelius! 947 00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:42,142 If you can just explain that to Airtight Mike, 948 00:42:42,143 --> 00:42:44,269 man, I'm sure that'd get me unbanned. 949 00:42:44,270 --> 00:42:46,063 I'll be back onstage. The ladies will be... 950 00:42:46,064 --> 00:42:48,106 I'll do you one better. 951 00:42:48,107 --> 00:42:50,150 I'll emcee your introduction to the stage. 952 00:42:50,151 --> 00:42:51,902 - Now, how would that be? - Oh, man. 953 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:54,529 That will be a beautiful thing, brother. 954 00:42:54,530 --> 00:42:57,116 - [laughs] - My brother. 955 00:43:00,161 --> 00:43:01,745 Just let me go change my clothes first 956 00:43:01,746 --> 00:43:02,996 before I get out there. 957 00:43:02,997 --> 00:43:04,414 Yeah. I'ma go see you there. 958 00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:05,999 I gotta get there early to rehearse and everything. 959 00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,376 [whoops, laughs] Thank you. 960 00:43:08,377 --> 00:43:10,754 Yeah! 961 00:43:10,755 --> 00:43:12,214 [laughs] 962 00:43:12,215 --> 00:43:15,550 [jaunty percussive music] 963 00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:22,225 ♪ ♪ 964 00:43:27,814 --> 00:43:30,774 [intense soul music] 965 00:43:30,775 --> 00:43:37,782 ♪ ♪ 966 00:44:02,306 --> 00:44:04,474 [background chatter] 967 00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:09,521 See you down below. Hey, brother. 968 00:44:09,522 --> 00:44:11,648 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Brother, brother. 969 00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:13,149 I wanted to ask you. 970 00:44:13,150 --> 00:44:15,902 Brother, how'd you get Don Cornelius to be here tonight? 971 00:44:15,903 --> 00:44:18,196 Yo, the people are talking, and they are flocking, playa. 972 00:44:18,197 --> 00:44:19,364 It's a long story. 973 00:44:19,365 --> 00:44:21,074 I'll tell you right after this set. 974 00:44:21,075 --> 00:44:22,909 Whoa, nigga. What's happening? 975 00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:24,244 AIRTIGHT MIKE: Hey, hey, hey, hey. 976 00:44:24,245 --> 00:44:25,662 Only talent backstage, all right? 977 00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:28,331 Hey, yo, French fry, if you don't shut the fuck up, 978 00:44:28,332 --> 00:44:30,000 I'ma smother your ass in ketchup. 979 00:44:30,001 --> 00:44:32,919 Listen, man, he-he don't got nothing to do with this. 980 00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,964 That's-that's-this your money right here, plus interest. 981 00:44:35,965 --> 00:44:38,216 Lemme see that. Thanks. 982 00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:41,636 Yeah, it's here, and some. 983 00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:43,889 LINDA: Okay. 984 00:44:43,890 --> 00:44:46,016 The skinny one can go. 985 00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:48,143 [Don Cornelius speaking indistinctly onstage] 986 00:44:48,144 --> 00:44:50,103 Wait a minute. 987 00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:53,607 You remind me of someone. 988 00:44:53,608 --> 00:44:56,359 Have you ever been to Ohio? 989 00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:58,320 Ohio? 990 00:44:58,321 --> 00:45:00,697 Oh, no. [chuckles] No, ma'am. 991 00:45:00,698 --> 00:45:04,159 Look, I'ma let y'all handle y'all business, all right? 992 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:06,036 I'ma meet you by the stage, all right, brother? 993 00:45:06,037 --> 00:45:08,581 [chuckles] Excuse me. 994 00:45:10,917 --> 00:45:12,667 It's all there, man. 995 00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:15,128 I'm telling you. 996 00:45:15,129 --> 00:45:16,756 Mm. 997 00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:19,842 Ha. 998 00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:23,595 Remember what I said about my time? 999 00:45:23,596 --> 00:45:25,180 Whoa. [yelps] 1000 00:45:25,181 --> 00:45:27,182 [tense music] 1001 00:45:27,183 --> 00:45:29,601 Please. I'll sweeten the deal. 1002 00:45:29,602 --> 00:45:32,729 I'll make three albums for you. Just don't kill me. 1003 00:45:32,730 --> 00:45:34,940 With that money, you'll be making profit. 1004 00:45:34,941 --> 00:45:37,025 You'll be making profit before you even start. 1005 00:45:37,026 --> 00:45:39,361 I hate this business. 1006 00:45:39,362 --> 00:45:40,695 It's not my time. 1007 00:45:40,696 --> 00:45:42,989 [gunshot] 1008 00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:45,325 [panting] 1009 00:45:45,326 --> 00:45:47,827 It's not my time. It's not my time. 1010 00:45:47,828 --> 00:45:50,456 [gunshots] 1011 00:45:53,084 --> 00:45:56,087 [groaning] 1012 00:46:03,511 --> 00:46:05,637 H-Help. 1013 00:46:05,638 --> 00:46:08,431 [coughs, panting] 1014 00:46:08,432 --> 00:46:11,101 - Help. - Nigga, you can die fuckin'. 1015 00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:13,353 [laughs] 1016 00:46:13,354 --> 00:46:16,398 [heavy music] 1017 00:46:16,399 --> 00:46:23,738 ♪ ♪ 1018 00:46:23,739 --> 00:46:25,281 [applause] 1019 00:46:25,282 --> 00:46:26,950 I want to thank all you cool cats 1020 00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:29,452 and foxy ladies here tonight. 1021 00:46:29,453 --> 00:46:32,789 I'm your guest emcee, Mr. Don Cornelius. 1022 00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:35,751 [cheers and applause] 1023 00:46:39,422 --> 00:46:41,881 Tonight, I'm here to welcome a new friend, 1024 00:46:41,882 --> 00:46:44,134 an all-around rock-solid dude, 1025 00:46:44,135 --> 00:46:46,928 and from what I understand, a crazy comedian. 1026 00:46:46,929 --> 00:46:50,557 Word on the grapevine is that this man is admired by a few 1027 00:46:50,558 --> 00:46:52,267 and disliked by many. 1028 00:46:52,268 --> 00:46:54,060 Now, let's get to the bottom of this. 1029 00:46:54,061 --> 00:46:55,562 Let's figure it out, people. 1030 00:46:55,563 --> 00:46:57,939 [laughter and applause] 1031 00:46:57,940 --> 00:47:00,233 DIRT: Now, to love Dirt is to see Dirt. 1032 00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:01,568 I gotta be in the room 1033 00:47:01,569 --> 00:47:04,738 so I can uplift they souls and spirits, you dig? 1034 00:47:04,739 --> 00:47:07,741 [soft dramatic music] 1035 00:47:07,742 --> 00:47:10,076 ♪ ♪ 1036 00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:12,203 DON CORNELIUS: I am newly familiar with Mr. Dirt McGirt, 1037 00:47:12,204 --> 00:47:14,831 but I found the brother to be authentic. 1038 00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,458 And when I ask people on both sides 1039 00:47:16,459 --> 00:47:19,210 of the matter of Dirt McGirt, they agreed. 1040 00:47:19,211 --> 00:47:20,879 He's authentic. 1041 00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:24,966 We are all just our ancestors' dreams, 1042 00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:29,804 and our success represents those dreams coming true. 1043 00:47:29,805 --> 00:47:31,306 Now, I'm sure Mr. Dirt McGirt 1044 00:47:31,307 --> 00:47:33,975 has rubbed some people the right and the wrong way. 1045 00:47:33,976 --> 00:47:38,104 A man is who a man is. That man is himself. 1046 00:47:38,105 --> 00:47:40,982 I gather that's why he calls himself Dirt. 1047 00:47:40,983 --> 00:47:44,736 Not filthy, not nasty, but dirt. 1048 00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:47,781 Like the Earth. The essence. 1049 00:47:47,782 --> 00:47:49,449 Truth. 1050 00:47:49,450 --> 00:47:52,118 What is in the dark must come to the light, 1051 00:47:52,119 --> 00:47:56,623 and so I ask tonight that we listen, we hear, 1052 00:47:56,624 --> 00:47:59,459 we open ourselves to Dirt McGirt. 1053 00:47:59,460 --> 00:48:04,130 And as the old saying goes, God made Dirt, and... 1054 00:48:04,131 --> 00:48:06,633 ALL: Dirt don't hurt. 1055 00:48:06,634 --> 00:48:10,471 [cheers and applause] 1056 00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:20,814 AIRTIGHT MIKE: Hey. Hey, Dirt. 1057 00:48:20,815 --> 00:48:22,565 - What's up, nigga? - Brother, you good? 1058 00:48:22,566 --> 00:48:25,485 - Never better. - Congratulations. 1059 00:48:25,486 --> 00:48:27,696 Get your ass on that stage, nigga. 1060 00:48:30,157 --> 00:48:32,367 He didn't even wait for the introduction to end. 1061 00:48:32,368 --> 00:48:35,036 Give it up for the old dirty doggy. 1062 00:48:35,037 --> 00:48:38,456 The Ol' Dirty Bastard. 1063 00:48:38,457 --> 00:48:41,418 [cheers and applause] 1064 00:48:44,463 --> 00:48:51,469 ♪ Ah ♪ 1065 00:48:51,470 --> 00:48:54,514 [fading, echoing] 1066 00:48:54,515 --> 00:48:57,100 [bell rings] 1067 00:48:57,101 --> 00:48:58,601 RODRIGUEZ: Hey. 1068 00:48:58,602 --> 00:49:00,437 What's up, boy? What's up? 1069 00:49:00,438 --> 00:49:02,689 - [indistinct chatter] - [laughs] 1070 00:49:02,690 --> 00:49:03,898 So yo, you heard what they're saying 1071 00:49:03,899 --> 00:49:05,316 about, uh, Dirty's record? 1072 00:49:05,317 --> 00:49:06,818 They're saying it's like a concert album. 1073 00:49:06,819 --> 00:49:09,028 I knew the niche, hardcore fans would embrace the albums, 1074 00:49:09,029 --> 00:49:10,822 but the hip-hop purists are feeling it too. 1075 00:49:10,823 --> 00:49:12,198 Well, they both love it. 1076 00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:14,784 Crazy motherfucker took 'em inside his head. [laughs] 1077 00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:16,703 Yo, he wants you to really feel it, all right? 1078 00:49:16,704 --> 00:49:17,954 - Mm-hmm. - Like it's big, 1079 00:49:17,955 --> 00:49:19,831 but it can be bigger. 1080 00:49:19,832 --> 00:49:21,332 Only something that he would do, 1081 00:49:21,333 --> 00:49:24,586 so we're talking '70s funk. 1082 00:49:24,587 --> 00:49:27,505 Hip-hop, right? Kung fu. A stage. 1083 00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:29,048 [Ol' Dirty Bastard's "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" playing] 1084 00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:30,133 RZA: You get what I'm saying? 1085 00:49:30,134 --> 00:49:31,593 PRODUCER: Yeah. 1086 00:49:31,594 --> 00:49:33,094 DIRECTOR: All right. 1087 00:49:33,095 --> 00:49:35,889 And action! 1088 00:49:35,890 --> 00:49:37,974 DIRT: ♪ Raw ♪ 1089 00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:40,310 ♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya, shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪ 1090 00:49:40,311 --> 00:49:42,896 ♪ Gimme the mic so I can take it away ♪ 1091 00:49:42,897 --> 00:49:45,398 ♪ Off on a natural charge, bon voyage ♪ 1092 00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:48,026 ♪ Yeah, from the home of the Dodger Brooklyn squad ♪ 1093 00:49:48,027 --> 00:49:50,487 ♪ Wu-Tang killer bees on a swarm ♪ 1094 00:49:50,488 --> 00:49:52,822 ♪ Rain on your college-ass disco dorm ♪ 1095 00:49:52,823 --> 00:49:54,616 ♪ For you to even touch my skill ♪ 1096 00:49:54,617 --> 00:49:56,409 ♪ You gotta be the one killer bee ♪ 1097 00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:58,286 ♪ And he aim for the kill now ♪ 1098 00:49:58,287 --> 00:50:00,497 ♪ Jot that down, pass it all around ♪ 1099 00:50:00,498 --> 00:50:02,832 ♪ Lyrics get hard, quick, cement to the ground ♪ 1100 00:50:02,833 --> 00:50:04,876 ♪ For any emcee from any 52 states ♪ 1101 00:50:04,877 --> 00:50:07,587 ♪ I get psycho killer, Norman Bates ♪ 1102 00:50:07,588 --> 00:50:10,381 ♪ My producer slam, my flow is like bam ♪ 1103 00:50:10,382 --> 00:50:13,426 ♪ Jump on stage and then I get down ♪ 1104 00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:17,013 ♪ ♪ 1105 00:50:17,014 --> 00:50:25,014 ♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw, yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪ 1106 00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:34,405 ♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw ♪ 1107 00:50:34,406 --> 00:50:37,867 ♪ Yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪ 1108 00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,870 [backwards rapping] 1109 00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:47,710 ♪ ♪ 1110 00:50:47,711 --> 00:50:50,338 ♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya, shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪ 1111 00:50:50,339 --> 00:50:52,882 ♪ Gimme the mic so I can take it away ♪ 1112 00:50:52,883 --> 00:50:55,343 ♪ Off on a natural charge, bon voyage ♪ 1113 00:50:55,344 --> 00:50:57,845 ♪ Yeah, from the home of the Dodger Brooklyn squad ♪ 1114 00:50:57,846 --> 00:50:59,847 ♪ Wu-Tang killer bees on a swarm ♪ 1115 00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:02,850 [disco/funk music] 1116 00:51:02,851 --> 00:51:09,900 ♪ ♪ 1117 00:52:02,578 --> 00:52:04,079 Get on the line. 1118 00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:18,676 CROWD: Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang! 1119 00:52:18,677 --> 00:52:22,347 [dramatic music] 1120 00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:24,432 RZA: We're not just moving forward. 1121 00:52:24,433 --> 00:52:25,683 We're moving upward. 1122 00:52:25,684 --> 00:52:27,061 That's what I've been reaching for. 1123 00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:30,439 We're the standard-bearers of hip-hop. 1124 00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:34,317 RZA: I set y'all all up in different shops 1125 00:52:34,318 --> 00:52:36,235 so we can take over. 1126 00:52:36,236 --> 00:52:38,196 If we don't deliver, these labels 1127 00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:40,990 are gonna give our slots to other artists. 1128 00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,659 There's things in this life you have to take seriously. 1129 00:52:43,660 --> 00:52:44,911 I take life serious. 1130 00:52:44,912 --> 00:52:46,496 ♪ ♪ 1131 00:52:46,497 --> 00:52:48,539 Bobby, you control the music. 1132 00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:51,168 You cannot control their personal lives. 1133 00:52:52,378 --> 00:52:54,295 We gotta get this album done. 1134 00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:56,506 This ain't something that's just gonna come out of nowhere. 1135 00:52:56,507 --> 00:52:57,757 CROWD: Wu-Tang! 1136 00:52:57,758 --> 00:52:59,926 This next album gotta be revolutionary. 1137 00:52:59,927 --> 00:53:01,386 DIVINE: Stop trying to control everything. 1138 00:53:01,387 --> 00:53:02,929 It's only a matter of time 1139 00:53:02,930 --> 00:53:04,931 before they start to resent you for it. 1140 00:53:04,932 --> 00:53:06,891 We're 2/3 through the recording budget. 1141 00:53:06,892 --> 00:53:08,267 We still have nothing to show for it. 1142 00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:10,812 They gonna hold money from us that they owe, 1143 00:53:10,813 --> 00:53:12,980 and they gonna sue us for money we don't have. 1144 00:53:12,981 --> 00:53:14,482 You gotta start laying down tracks. 1145 00:53:14,483 --> 00:53:16,651 Take us to number one in the world. 1146 00:53:16,652 --> 00:53:19,070 [dramatic hip-hop music] 1147 00:53:19,071 --> 00:53:21,948 ♪ ♪ 1148 00:53:21,949 --> 00:53:24,117 When we come together, the music is real. 1149 00:53:24,118 --> 00:53:25,661 It's irreplaceable. 1150 00:53:26,787 --> 00:53:28,413 Whoo! 1151 00:53:28,414 --> 00:53:31,040 CROWD: Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang! 1152 00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:32,834 We gotta win, 'Vine. 1153 00:53:32,835 --> 00:53:34,544 Yeah, Abbot. 1154 00:53:34,545 --> 00:53:35,920 We gonna win. 1155 00:53:35,921 --> 00:53:38,090 [dramatic music]